Farewell, my little soldier

On Tuesday 22nd August 2017 Ian and I took Lennon on his last journey and said our final farewells to our cheeky, thrill seeking, courageous little soldier ❤️

Just after an interview with Paul Ross from BBC Radio 4.

I thought my heart couldn’t break any further, but when the hearse arrived at Keech and the funeral attendants placed his small, white coffin in the back, alongside a beautiful red rose ‘Lennon’ the pieces of my heart shattered again. My whole body felt so heavy. I honestly did not think I would be able to make it through the day. It was most definitely the second hardest day of my life.

Lennon resting in the Meadow Suite at Keech Hospice.

hadn’t really seen many people or been out much since Lennon died and having to face all those people and paint on a face was so tough, when all I really wanted to do was go home, get into my bed and sob.

I really, really hope that we both did our only son proud. Ian was amazing (he wrote and read out a eulogy of Lennon’s short, but hectic, fulfilled life) and I’m super proud of him. And despite Isla being heartbroken and not wanting to go into the Crematorium, both my girls were equally amazing to get through the service 💗

We played the song that Lennon loved from his favourite TV show ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ – Rainbow Connection by Paul Williams.

Florence was her typical self and sung all the words at the top of her voice.

I hadn’t noticed how many people had come to say their goodbyes to our little soldier. The funeral director felt their was roughly 250 people there – Truly amazing considering Lennon was just 10 years old and had never spoken a word to anyone in his life!

Isla and Florence’s big balloon for the balloon send off.
Memory board made by Lennon’s Aunty, Uncle and Cousins.

Three lakes, Westmill Farm, ended up being the perfect venue, and the balloon release was simply stunning. The view from the top of the hill, over the lakes is breathtaking. And it was a beautiful moment to see all those balloons flying up to Lennon – including Isla and Florence’s special BIG red balloon which I think broke through the clouds!

Ian now wants to us to get married at Three Lakes, after we cancelled our wedding that was due to take place on September 16th.

Lennon’s balloon release.

We also set up a Memorial page for Lennon, so that people can share photos, stories and memories of Lennon.

I don’t feel any different now Lennon’s funeral is over. In fact, if I think about it, I actually feel worse. It is final now. The missing piece in my puzzle is gone forever, I will never find a piece even remotely similar to fill that big empty void, and these last few weeks are not a horrific dream that I will one day wake up from.

My little sidekick is gone forever.

Lennon and Mummy x

Life moves on – it has to, that is what life does.

But I cannot see how my life can possibly carry on. My head is fuzzy and my eyes permanently full of tears and I can not begin to imagine life without Lennon.

The thought of going back to work scares me, but I know that I will have to – to do what, who knows.

For now it’s one day at a time. I won’t think about tomorrow or next week, because mentally I can’t.

Previous blog post – Our final gift

8 thoughts on “Farewell, my little soldier

  1. The service was a beautiful tribute. You and Ian couldn’t have done more to share the unquantifiable amount of love you have for Lennon and the very significant way he changed your lives for the better. It was an honour to share it with you and a small fraction of the people that had been touched by Lennon’s life.

    It will make a wonderful venue for your wedding. I spent a long time just marvelling at the view after the balloon release, and watching your beautiful girls running and laughing on the hill. It got me thinking that it is remarkable that children can still find joy even at the saddest of moments. Life will never be the same, how could it possibly be, you are forever changed by Lennon. But sometime in the future I think that the pain you’re feeling now will be the reason that you get to understand love, joy and life in a way that most other people rarely do. No comfort right now I know though.

    Please don’t think you have to take the next steps alone though. You have wonderful friends and the most amazing partner who will all be there to offer a shoulder, a drink or some inappropriate humour.

    Much love, as always x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The service sounds perfect. You need to allow yourself time to grieve now and know that it’s just as important to your health as sitting would be if you’d broken your leg. Take care of yourself as well as your family. I hope you have help and feel able to accept it. I’m truly sorry for you and your family, and everyone who loved him, that you have lost him xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Words can not express how sorry I am for your loss . We don’t know each other but my heart breaks for you. You did all you could and Lennon looks so happy in your pictures. Just take it one day at a time and let yourself greive. Your beautiful boy is at peace. Sending you so much love . Becci , mummy of 2

    Liked by 1 person

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