The hidden depths of the NHS

I have been asked a few times now to write a blog post to celebrate the NHS turning 70. If you have stumbled across my blog before you will know that without the NHS Lennon would not of survived much past his birth.

Lennon at 7 days old.

I’ve thought long and hard about which of our experiences I should write about to commemorate NHS70 – Neonatal Intensive Care, Great Ormond St, Paediatric Intensive Care, the CATS retrieval team, our local hospital and community nursing team, Nascot Lawn, Lennon’s school nursing team, the Children’s Continuing Care team….. the list goes on.

Lennon ‘helping’ to carry his most recent set of notes!

I’ve already shared some of those experiences and I wanted to chose something a little different – a side of the NHS that people maybe do not think about.

Dying.

When we think about the NHS we think of peoples lives being saved, pioneering treatment, miracles. We don’t often see the other side of the NHS, but it is there and we shouldn’t ignore it.

When I think back to the care Lennon received from the NHS throughout his life, the time I think about most is the day he died. I can not fault the care and compassion that Lennon, Ian and myself received in the final few hours of Lennon’s life.

Sleeping post theatre.

I remember the look on the consultants face as the surgeon told us that there was nothing more they could do for Lennon. I’ll never forget the tears rolling down her cheeks when she came in at 3am and removed the ventilator tube that was keeping Lennon alive. It was almost like she could feel our pain. She somehow understood exactly how much Lennon meant to us and how hard we had battled to keep him alive for so long. She knew what we had given up in order for our little soldier to live his life.

I could not fault the nurses that watched over him in his final hours, they were incredibly calm and gentle. They washed and dressed Lennon in clean pyjamas, made sure he was comfortable and kept him alive until we were ready to say our final goodbyes.

They made space in Lennon’s bed for me to get in and hold onto him.

They listened to us and made sure they knew our wishes down to the finest of details. They gave us the space and time that we needed and they understood how much that moment would stay with us for the rest our lives.

After Lennon died, the nurses helped us take foot prints, hand prints, and locks of hair. They let us stay with him as long as we needed to.

They both knew Lennon. One had looked after Lennon when he was first transferred to the children’s ward at Lister aged 6 months. It must of been so hard for her to watch him die. We bumped into her at the end of her shift. Her eyes welled up with tears as she told us she had personally taken Lennon down to the morgue and then rang around to break the news to the professionals involved in Lennon’s care. I can imagine the amount of strength she mustered to do that, just so I didn’t have to.

Sometimes the smallest of gestures have the biggest of impacts.

The staff at Addenbrookes knew I wanted Lennon to be at Keech as soon as possible. I didn’t want him to be alone. They worked tirelessly to make it happen and Lennon arrived at Keech just 12 hours after he had died.

It takes a certain kind of person to care for a dying child and their family.

In the weeks after Lennon died we received letters, cards, flowers and phone calls from all over the NHS. Consultants and surgeons from Great Ormond St and Lister, nurses who had cared for Lennon, therapists who had worked hard with him and seen him flourish and develop over the years. They all took time out from their busy lives to remind us how amazing our son was, how he fought the odds and how they would miss him dearly. None of them had to do that, but they did.

The cards and flowers we received in the days after Lennon died.

It was clear that Lennon’s death had affected many people within the NHS. We all think of doctors and nurses as life savers, and they are. But they also see a sadder side of the NHS and sometimes have to admit defeat and watch their patients die.

Our NHS saves lives, but it also grieves the lives it couldn’t save.

We must not forget the impact that has.

Thank you to the NHS for giving us 10 amazing years with our little soldier Lennon, and for being there when it mattered the most.

We will be eternally grateful ❤️

Mummy, Daddy, Lennon x

First Christmas

Christmas Eve 11 years ago – The first time I held my baby boy. He was 19 days old. In a hospital across the other side of London and we were still unsure if he would survive.

The pain I felt then was incredible.

All I wanted for Christmas was to hold my baby and to bring him home. For him to survive and experience a life outside of his Perspex box, monitors, tubes and needles.

Ian and I holding Lennon for the first time in NICU Chelsea and Westminster.

It is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling now. Facing my first Christmas without my first born child.

All I want for Christmas is Lennon. To see his face beaming at the sights of Christmas lights, feel

his hands slap me on the back as he watches his sisters getting excited for Santa and to watch him throwing spoons across the table while we eat Christmas dinner.

Enjoying the Christmas displays at Van Hages.
Christmas Day 2016.

In the run up to Christmas, every year my thoughts are consumed by our time spent at Chelsea and Westminster. Sitting over Lennon’s Perspex box, the monitors flashing and singing. Walking up and down the Fulham Road in between the tube station and the hospital, day after day. Christmas lights and charming decorations everywhere.

The shops full of gifts, and passers by full of Christmas cheer. The gigantic Christmas tree in the hospital lobby.

And me.

Entering the hospital with promise for the day ahead. Thoughts that today would be the day my baby would turn this around.

Leaving the hospital in a cloud of dark and sadness, reliving the awful events of each day.

Ever since Lennon’s birthday I have had an urge to return to Chelsea and Westminster. To retake my steps and see Christmas on the Fulham road.

Why? Because I am looking for something. I don’t know what. Maybe memories. But why am I looking for sad memories and not happy ones?

Christmas 2009.
Visiting Santa at Nene Valley Railway, 2011.
Christmas Day 2014.

Maybe because I have been consumed by sadness since Lennon died. There are glimmers of happiness there, occasionally. I try to hold on tightly to them, but they slip through my fingers so very quickly.

If I could hide in bed for the next few days, believe me I would. But I won’t – my girls need me. Ian needs me. My girls deserve to have the most fantastic Christmas and to know that their brother will be looking down on them, expecting them to be enjoying every second of Christmas. For themselves, and for him.

Christmas 2016.

He will be the sparkle in their eyes while they are opening presents, playing games and spreading joy.

I’ll look for that sparkle and hold on to it tightly.

Magic Kingdom, Florida, December 2015.

Memories – Prematurity Is

I wish I had kept a diary of Lennon’s Neonatal Intensive Care (NICU) days.

Looking through the many photos through that period of my life, it feels like only yesterday we were on that multi hospital rollercoaster ride, yet in another way it feels like it was the 11 years ago that it very nearly is.

I was a sad person then – devastated that my body was unable to carry my precious baby boy to term. I just about managed 28 weeks of pregnancy. Frightened that my baby wouldn’t survive the awful lifesaving support and treatments he needed to undergo just to give him that small flicker of a chance at life.

I was tired and desperately sad.

Lennon was transferred from the QE2 Hospital in Welwyn Garden City to Chelsea and Westminster when he was just 2 days old. He needed an oscillating ventilator and the nearest unit with one available was Chelsea. The night they moved Lennon I was still recovering from a caesarean section and preeclampsia, the midwives wouldn’t let me travel with Lennon and refused to discharge me. I stood by Lennon’s incubator for hours whilst the specialist transport team prepared to take Lennon on the 1 hour journey. It took them over 8 hours to stabilise him for the journey. At one point they debated whether or not it was safe enough to transfer him at all, and questioned the likelihood of him surviving the journey to Chelsea.

I lay in my hospital bed that night, on a maternity ward full of crying babies and wept. Tears upon tears for the baby I wished were in my arms, the baby I may never see alive again.

Late the next evening I discharged myself, still suffering the effects of the preeclampsia, but desperate to see my baby. I was an emotional mess. Walking out of the hospital with an empty womb and empty arms was the hardest experience of my life up until that point. We found a late night chemist, I needed a breast pump.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this – We were supposed to be walking out of the hospital with our baby, heading home full of happiness and excitement, ready to begin our journey into parenthood.

Ian’s father had travelled to Chelsea and Westminster hospital that afternoon. He waited hours for the nurses to get Lennon stable enough for a visitor. The staff informed Lennon’s grandfather that Lennon was extremely unwell and that they were deeply concerned about his critical condition. He couldn’t get much sicker.

The following day we made it to Chelsea and the plan was for Ian and I to stay there for a few nights, or at least until Lennon’s condition improved. My tiny baby boy looked so poorly. He was covered in wires, tubes, probes and monitors. He looked bigger than the other babies – At his birth weight – 2lb 9oz, Lennon was more than double the weight of most of the other babies on the unit, but was by far the sickest at that point. He needed so much support to stay alive. I now know the reasons behind the high level of support and why he needed all the IV infusions and treatments.

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5 day old Lennon at Chelsea and Westminster NICU.

TPN because he couldn’t tolerate any feed into his stomach.

Medicines to bring up his dangerously low blood pressure and blood sugars.

Anti-biotics to rid the sepsis that was taking over his small body.

An oscillating ventilator for his paper thin lungs that couldn’t cope with the ‘normal’ breathing pattern of a conventional ventilator.

Medicine to try to close a large hole in his heart.

Needles into his bladder to attempt to find the reason for his kidney failure.

A light for his Jaundice (a bit like a sunbed – He even had a super cute eye mask!).

A lumbar puncture to check for meningitis

Daily blood transfusions.

The list goes on…..

I was scared. My baby looked so fragile and vulnerable. I wanted to be close to him but he hated being touched, every time anyone put a hand into the incubator he would drop his oxygen saturations and his blood pressure – it felt like he was communicating to us that he just wanted to be left alone. That he was scared we would break him.

I spent endless hours sitting by Lennon’s incubator, listening to the radio that was kept by his bedside, reading his charts and questioning everything that was recorded. Through the clear Perspex wall of the incubator I willed him to stay alive – begged him to stay alive and let me have a chance to be his mummy.

It was December and the run up to Christmas, joy and happiness were everywhere. Lights, decorations, gifts, people on the streets smiling and laughing, the underground full of tipsy workers traveling home from their Christmas celebrations. I wanted the whole world to stop – just like mine had. My sad face and heavy heart didn’t fit in. I didn’t want to be in this limbo. One evening after leaving the hospital I contemplated walking out on the Fulham Road into the path of an oncoming bus. I felt out of control and so low.

Days turned in to weeks and Lennon began to improve very, very slowly.  This was the rollercoaster we had been told to expect – Two steps forward, one step back. It was 3 weeks before we held Lennon for the first time – Christmas Eve.

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Christmas Eve 2006. The first time we held Lennon – he was 3 weeks old.
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First ever cuddles with Daddy x

It was all I wanted for Christmas for that year, to be able to hold my baby in my arms. It wasn’t an easy task for the nurses; Lennon was still unstable and attached to so many machines and IV pumps. But they managed it and my much wanted and needed Christmas wish was granted.

6 weeks after Lennon first arrived at Chelsea and Westminster he was taken off the ventilator and was now dependant on CPAP to aid his own breathing. He still needed a fair amount of IV support, but seemed to be tolerating small feeds into a Nasal Gastric (NG) tube. And so we were transferred back to Lister Hospitals NICU in Stevenage, much closer to home.  We were over the moon – One step closer to home! Shorter journeys to the hospital also meant I could spend much more time with Lennon, and the visiting hours at Lister were much less strict than they were at Chelsea.

Lennon spent the following 6 weeks dependant on CPAP.  We were able to hold him most days, he had his first bath, and despite Lennon still being in an incubator because he was unable to support his own temperature, we were encouraged to get him dressed every day.

By the time Lennon had reached his due date – 27th February 2007, he was in the Special Care room and only needed nasal cannula oxygen to help with his breathing. He was prescribed an array of medication, and although he still needed his NG tube he taking a small amount of feed orally. He occasionally would stop breathing and needed to be resuscitated. It was scary, but it was nothing we hadn’t gotten used to seeing over the last couple of months. Things were looking up and home had been discussed a few times. Both Ian and I were understandably delighted by the slightest mention of bringing Lennon home, although at the same time nervous about caring for an oxygen dependant baby needing tube feeds. And the thought of him stopping breathing at home petrified me, but I really wanted my baby at home, where he belonged.

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Lennon on his due date.

Unfortunately this wasn’t to be. Lennon had other ideas – his breathing deteriorated quite rapidly over the course of a few days, until he needed to be intubated and ventilated again. That day will stay with me forever. I relive that day many times in my head, repaying the scenario minute by minute.

The Doctor reviewing Lennon and transferring him back into the NICU room.

The look on all the nurses’ faces and the tears in their eyes.

The mum that took me out of the room to call Ian and tell him to get there as quickly as he could.

Being led to the ‘bad news’ room and sitting in silence, alone, waiting for someone to tell me my baby hadn’t made it this time.

Ian arriving, crying on my shoulder.

Being led back to Lennon and asking if the nurse if he was going die and her replying that she couldn’t answer me.

Drinking copious amounts of sugary tea…..

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A very puffy Lennon back on the ventilator. Just over a month past his due date.

No one could find a reason why Lennon had suddenly become ventilator dependant again. All sorts of doctors visited to NICU to review him. They suspected Lennon had chronic renal failure and an endocrine issue but nothing that would hinder his ability to breathe unaided. They even called in an adult cardiac doctor who carried out extensive test – they all came back normal. I was devastated. We had tumbled so far backwards. I returned to sitting helpless at Lennon’s bed side. I read him stories and learnt to crochet to help pass the time.

Winter turned to spring and we were still in NICU at Lister holding a bedside vigil, whilst waiting for a bed to become available on the Intensive Care unit at Great Ormond St Hospital (GOS). It was decided they were only people who could get to the bottom of why Lennon could not be parted from a ventilator. It took 5 weeks for that day to arrive. I’ll never forget the transport team turning up, and not quiet believing that the day had finally arrived.

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In the transport incubator ready for his transfer to Great Ormond St NICU.

Lennon looked so big inside the transport incubator.

As soon as Lennon had arrived at GOS they began their extensive tests. It didn’t take long for them to diagnose Lennon with Chronic Renal failure – he had 1 cystic kidney and a small ball of cysts where the other should have sat. They also diagnosed him with pan hypopituitarism – his little body was not producing thyroxine, or growth hormone and they suspected that his adrenal glands were also dysfunctional. The most significant finding was in Lennon’s heart – His PDA (the shunt that snaps closed when a baby is born) was gapping open. The cardiac surgeon had said it was one of the biggest he had ever seen.

Once Lennon had undergone cardiac surgery he was taken off the ventilator. And after a 2 week stay at GOS Lennon was discharged back to Lister and into a cot for the first time! I couldn’t have been happier – my little soldier had cheated death yet again and maybe this time we were coming to the end of our Special care journey.

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Post cardiac surgery and off the ventilator.

We prepared for Lennon to come home with us.

For us to finally be his Mummy and Daddy.

For us to be able look after him and make all the decisions.

We had resuscitation training and our house was fitted with home oxygen. We collected a prescription of special milk and a ton of medication.  We borrowed saturation and apnea monitors, blood pressure and suction machines from the hospital. Our small flat was over taken with medical supplies. I was scared, but above all so very excited to bring our son home for the first time. At various points over the 6 months I doubted this day would ever come. I always thought Lennon was not destined to come home, go to school, or grow up. I could never picture at home – no matter how hard I tried.

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The first time Lennon went outside without being in a incubator. The first time he had been outside and felt fresh air on his face. He was almost 6 months old.

We were allowed to take Lennon off the ward for small amounts of time to get used to looking after him without the support of the amazing nurses that we had come to rely on over the last 6 months. We spent a night in a bedroom on the ward the night before we brought Lennon home.

Neither of us slept.

I spent the whole night either holding Lennon or staring at him. Disbelieving the day had finally arrived.

On 24th May 2007, after 6 months, we walked out of the Special Baby Care unit. I carried Lennon in his car seat, with an oxygen cylinder on my back. Down the very corridor I had spent the last few months walking up down, watching mothers leaving the delivery suite holding their babies. Those mothers haunted me – all I wanted was to walk out of the hospital holding my baby. Finally it was my turn.

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Lennon on his way home!

Our Special Care community nurse followed us home. She stayed with us until we had settled in and felt confident enough for her to leave.

I was ecstatic!

Poor Lennon was moved about like a doll. I placed him in his Moses basket, into the swing we had brought him months earlier. I cuddled him, stared at him – Almost trying to make up for the last 6 months. I still could not believe that my precious baby boy had survived and was finally well enough to come home with us.

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In his moses basket.

That night before we went to bed, I gave Lennon his medications before his last feed of the day.

He went blue and floppy in my arms.

I called for Ian, Lennon had stopped breathing.

He still had a pulse.

I laid him onto our bedroom floor and started CPR whilst Ian rang an ambulance.

My adrenaline kicked in and I knew what I had to do – I didn’t even have to think about it. By the time the ambulance had arrived Lennon was breathing again. I had saved his life. Thank goodness for the CPR training I had done before leaving hospital.

I felt numb.

Lennon ended up back in hospital that night, and a new journey began. 6 months in Special Care for not even 24 hours at home.

So much happened over those 6 months, and I learnt so much. I learnt that things aren’t always as they seem. I learnt the meaning behind the saying ‘The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry’ – no matter how much we or anyone else planned, the potential for something to go against that plan was always there. Lennon often wrote his own rule book!

The biggest lesson I learnt from being in NICU was patience – I never had any before Lennon was born. I struggled to wait for anything.

Patience was the main ingredient I needed to help me get through the 10 years that followed.

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Lennon and Mummy x

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Goodbye

Tuesday 1st August 2017, Lennon, Isla and Florence spent their first day at CHIPS summer playscheme. The girls there were amazing and happy to have Lennon there after his newly formed ileostomy.
He had a lovely day, playing with his sisters, walking around in his walking frame and playing at the sink and in the sensory room.
He came home and watched his favourite yo gabba gabba on the television whilst holding my hand and slapping my arm.

In the evening, Sian our continuing care nurse arrived. We bathed Lennon, did a full bag and dressings change. Lennon loved his baths – he often crawled or lead us to the bath. He was also known to climb into the bath when it was empty and lie in it! He loved to just stand at the taps and put his hands and face under the running water.
Lennon always was a true water baby.


The Reverend came to talk to Ian and I about our wedding, and Lennon played on his floor mat happily with his ocean drum and Argos catalogue until bedtime at 8.30pm.
Isla and I got into bed with him and he was so happy. Massive smiles and real belly laughing. It was so lovely, and in hindsight we realised he was saying goodbye to Isla – the sister he was totalled besotted with.

At 9pm we went into Lennon’s bed and he had disconnected his milk from his jejunostomy tube. This wasn’t an unusual occurance. We had to wash and change him and change his bed sheets which inevitably woke him up. Lennon hated being woken up (just like his mummy!)
At 10.15pm we checked on Lennon, he was not happy and we thought he was still grumpy from being woken up. After 20 minutes he began seizing. We gave him rescue meds, which had no effect so we rang for an ambulance. We were blue lighted into Lister resus with a full crash team waiting for us.

They managed to stop the seizures with some IV Lorazepam but Lennon remained unconscious.
He quickly deteriorated overnight until 9am Wednesday morning when our amazing team at Lister made the decision to crash call and put Lennon on full life support. CATS arrived and quickly intubated Lennon. Not long after being intubated, his heart stopped beating and the doctors performed CPR for 2 minutes. Lennon stopped breathing many times in the early years. More times than I can remember. But his heart had never stopped beating before then.

We left Lister and made our way to PICU Addenbrookes on full life support and maxed out on blood pressure meds. His kidney had completed failed and they suspected that Lennon had a mechanical bowel obstruction.

We arrived at Addenbrookes and as soon as Lennon was stable and they had switched over all the machines they took him down to CT. The scan showed his bowel was twisted and compromised but they couldn’t tell how much had died. We all made the decision for him to go to theatre, despite not knowing if he would survive surgery as he was on maximum support with nowhere to go – we had to give him that one last chance.
They opened him up and took his bowel and stomach out. The surgeons said there was way too much bowel that had died and they were surprised that he was still alive and fighting after what they saw. They stitched him up and kept him alive whilst Ian and I tried to prepare to say goodbye to our precious boy.

We desperately wanted to get Lennon to our Children’s Hospice, Keech. The girls at Keech, absolutely adore Lennon and I always hoped that the end would be there or at home and not in intensive care. The doctors kept telling us that he wasn’t stable enough to travel and we would risk losing him on the journey. A risk neither of us was willing to take.

At 2.30am on Thursday morning the blood pressure meds weren’t enough and they were pumping him with more and fluid just to keep him alive. So at 3am we made the decision not to prolong the inevitable any longer. Lennon had gone, I think he left us before we left Lister. The intensive care consultant who has been with us the whole time since we arrived (even scrubbing up and going into theatre with Lennon) took the breathing tube out and Lennon passed away instantly. Peaceful and dignified.

We got to spend the next 3 hours saying our goodbyes. It wasn’t long enough. But all the time in the world wouldn’t of been enough. I lay on the bed next to him placed his arms around me and held him tight. All the time trying to put my warmth back into his little body.

We were in a side room and the whole experience was very peaceful and calm.
We had 2 nurses with us. 1 who had looked after Lennon when he was a baby on Bluebell Ward, Lister. And the other who had done a nursing placement at Lennon’s school. It was fate and we will be eternally grateful that he had people who knew his journey caring for him in his last hours. They took out all his lines, cut locks of his hair and made hand and foot prints.

He was moved to his beloved Keech Hospice that afternoon. And will hopefully remain there until his funeral.

The girls there are going down to the Meadow suite all the time and taking really good care of him. Spending time with him and talking to him. They dressed him in his page boy outfit – he looked so smart and my heart shattered again knowing that he will no longer walk me down the aisle when we get married.

We are lucky that Lennon spent time at Keech over the last 8 years and had built up relationships with everyone there and 2 of our continuing care nurses who looked after Lennon at home now work there.
It feels so comforting to be there, close to Lennon – like a great big hug. The Keech girls are also taking care of us, making sure we eat and drink, helping us with funeral plans and making sure we are as involved as we want to be.


Words cannot begin to describe the pain we are feeling, it hurts to breathe. Every morning I wake up for the first second, I forget that Lennon isn’t here anymore and then it hits me like a bus. It feels like I’m loosing him all over again.
The thought of spending the rest of ours lives without Lennon seems unbelievable. He was such a huge part of our family and for the last 10 and half years my whole life has revolved around Lennon. I gave up everything for my little soldier – my career, going out with friends, money, holidays. And I don’t regret that at all. I would live the last 10 years over and over again if I could.

We are so incredibly proud of our little soldier. The odds were always stacked so highly against him right from the minute he was born, yet with every single step of his journey he fought so hard to stay alive. Some times were more difficult for him, but he always bounced back. He was like a cat with 9 lives!

We will treasure every single second of the last 10 and half years and all the amazing memories we were able to make with Lennon in our lives.

Life will never be the same, the light in our life has gone out.

“If there’s ever a tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we are apart.. I’ll always be with you.”
Winnie the Pooh.

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