15 Months

Grief hasn’t been my friend over the last few weeks and it’s plastered all over my face for the world to see. I feel tired all the time, I could fall asleep anywhere at anytime and some days I can feel myself drowning in sadness. The bags under my eyes show the heavy weight of grief I am carrying inside me. I’m forgetting things – Isla’s extra tap lessons in preparation for her upcoming exam, Florence’s after school singing group, payments for school discos and Rainbow/Guides Pantomime trip.

Some days feel so long, almost never ending. And some days whizz by in a flash.

I try to keep myself busy – I find that being out of the house and around other people helps, but it doesn’t ‘fix’ anything.

Nothing can be fixed now and I have come to terms with that, but I need to attempt to paper over the cracks. My Lennon shaped hole will never be filled, not even slightly, however, that the outside of that gapping black hole can be made more colourful and prettier. And only I can do that…..

Last week I came to the realisation that what I am feeling is depression. I know this because I have suffered with depression since Lennon was born. Not severely, but enough to need a low dose of medication to keep my sadness suppressed.

Lennon and I during a long stay on Badger Ward, GOSH.

I arranged to meet our hospice nurse and one of our continuing care nurses for coffee last week and I found talking with them about Lennon and sharing memories helped to alleviate some of the sadness. I could talk about Lennon all day everyday and I find great comfort in doing so. But there aren’t many people who still talk about Lennon. Maybe they think bringing him into the conversation will remind me of what I’ve lost and make me sad. It can’t – there are no reminders, he is forever on my mind and in my heart. Every second of every day.

We speak about Lennon everyday at home and he is still very much a part of our lives. Our house is full of reminders and happy memories. Florence often sits in his wheelchair at the table to eat dinner and Isla squeezes her size 3’s into his tiny bright Yo Gabba Gabba socks – I love hanging them on the washing line! And as Autumn changes to Winter Ian often reminisces about his long walks around the village with Lennon in the cold wind.

Lennon loved the wind.

Bike ride to watch the baby ducks on the pond in the village.

Florence often asked where Lennon is – A question I still cannot answer as I do not know. I tell her he is sliding down rainbows somewhere, always watching and guiding us. How can I explain life after death to a 5 year old when I don’t understand it myself…..?

Florence loved to steal Lennon’s books!
Isla helping Lennon to draw.

Lennon’s beloved respite centre Nascot Lawn is due to shut its doors next week and therefor the campaign to save it has now ended. Another chapter of Lennon’s life closed forever.

Now I’m focusing on building a legacy for Lennon. I assisted in compiling the Together for Short Lives report – End of Life Care: Strengthening Choice and I recently spoke at the Hertfordshire Rapid Response Conference, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed. I’m due to share my story with student Children’s nurse next month at Hertfordshire University and I’m looking at other ways in which I can share the up and downs of Lennon’s life in order to make a difference to children, families and professional practice. The only way in which people can be educated on life with a complex child is from parents and children who have lived experience. I want to share Lennon with the world! Plus It’s good therapy for my mental health.

Telling my story at the Hertfordshire Rapid Response Conference, October 2018.

It’s a way for me to keep a part Lennon alive – his story will never die.

Lennon and Mummy x

Almost a year …

The clock carries on ticking and life moves on.

A life without Lennon.

Whatever I do, it is always with Lennon at the forefront of my mind. He is still my first thought when I awake to a new day and my last thought before I fall asleep.

Sleep has not been my friend for the last few weeks though. I lie awake having flashbacks of the days leading up to and after Lennon’s death. When I finally do fall asleep I toss and turn and wake up crying.

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Quite a lot has happened over the last couple of months.

I have a part time job for the NHS in Urgent Care. It’s only 10 hours a week at the weekends but I have found it to be a welcome distraction from my grief – I don’t feel so sad when my mind is occupied.

My blog won a BAPS (Bloody Awesome Parents) award for ‘Best Newcomer’. The very gorgeous Gethin Jones presented me with my award and I cannot tell you how surprised I was! Ian and I had a lovely evenings amongst families who also walk a similar path to us.

Gethin Jones presenting my award and me trying my best to hold my tears in!

I assisted in delivering a petition to Number 10 on behalf of The Disabled Children’s Partnership.

Delivering The Disabled Children’s Partnership’s short breaks petition to No10 Downing Street.

I met with Nadhim Zahari, the Minister of State for Children, Young People and Families. I was lucky enough to talk to him about the lack of care for complex children who fall in the gap between health and social care. And how there needs to be clear guidance on which body is responsible for them.

Meeting Nadhim Zahawi at Portcullis House, Westminster.

Isla won ‘The Hinton award’ at school – an award given to the KS2 pupil who has shown real grit and determination to overcome challenges throughout the year. I am overwhelmingly proud of her, she’s had such a tough year.

Isla with her award.

Two of our Nascot Lawn families featured on BBC1 Panorama – the programme and an online version. It made difficult viewing for Ian and I. We were taken back to the extraordinary life we led with Lennon and it was a stark reminder of just how different and ordinary life is now.

Lennon’s school held a memorial morning for Lennon and unveiled the most perfect art display dedicated to him and his love of swimming. The whole morning was so well thought out and planned, with Lennon’s teachers singing and playing guitar – Lennon loved it when Nathan played his guitar! It felt comforting to return to Lennon’s favourite place and see all the staff again. I was so pleased to hear that they still think and talk about Lennon everyday, he is still very much a part of the school.

Lennon’s memorial at Amwell View school, at the entrance to the swimming pool.

The amazing charity Post Pals invited us on a weekend away to Chessington. It was a fun packed weekend and the girls thoroughly enjoyed it. We had the most amazing experience feeding giraffes and discovered that Florence is almost as much of a thrill seeker as her brother after insisting on going on the Vampire ride multiple times!

Feeding the giraffes at Chessington World of Adventures.

Better Removals are naming one of their new removal vans ‘Lennon’ in memory of our little soldier.

And I have given a few talks on my life and experiences as a Carer and mum to Lennon and really enjoyed it – I could talk about Lennon all day everyday!

One of the slides I use in my presentations to show the importance of communication between professionals.

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Blogging and campaigning for Nascot Lawn and disabled children has given me a purpose since Lennon died. I would give anything to have my old life back with him. That wish will never come true, but the next best thing is to share Lennon’s experiences in life, with the aim of educating others to help improve the lives of children similar to Lennon.

Lennon’s journey can educate countless people and change so many lives. Now he is not here, it is my job to share Lennon’s story and help others to learn from him.

A future without Lennon feels totally unbearable to me, despite not seeing him for almost year. But I need to find a way to survive the rest of my life, and the only way that seems possible at the moment is to keep Lennon’s memory alive in any way possible.

I still have moments when I wish that I could ‘jump off’ this ride, just for a minute to catch my breath. This year has gone way too quickly. Tears spring to my eyes and a lump appears in my throat at the mere thought of it being a whole year since Lennon was encapsulated inside our little family.

This week we will travel down to Torquay as a family of four, but we know Lennon will be with us in spirit. Our last family holiday was summer 2016 in Torquay – I’ll never forget how much Lennon enjoyed it and how much fun we all had. The weather was glorious and we managed to get Lennon into the sea. Believe me it wasn’t easy and we narrowly avoided an adrenal crisis from the cold water but it was worth it just to have those memories to hold on to now.

Lennon enjoying the sea.
Full dressing change in his wheelchair!

Ian and the girls don’t want to be at home on the anniversary of Lennon’s death. They don’t want to remember the hurt, shock and deep sadness we felt in the weeks after Lennon died. They don’t want to return to the darkness we all endured.

I have to respect their wishes and needs. The next best place to home is Torquay and the warmth of all the happy memories it holds. Lennon was always so content and relaxed at the coast. His little face always glowed in the sunshine.

I have no expectations for the day. I hope to be able to get out of bed, dressed and out of the flat and give my girls a good day.

A day that Lennon would of enjoyed.

A day we can reminisce over the amazing memories we have of Lennon, our little soldier.

Family of Five, Always.