Today is your 11th Birthday – The first time we will celebrate your Birthday without you.
I haven’t ordered the balloons that you loved, or the fabulous Yo Gabba Gabba cakes that you could never even taste.
I haven’t been out to the shops and collected a plethora of catalogues for you to flick your way through.
I haven’t got your big birthday badge and the lights we decorated your wheelchair with.
We celebrated each one of your Birthdays as if they would be your last. Just incase.
I’m so glad we did.
You never really understood Birthdays – but year after year, as you grew older, I think you got used to knowing it was ‘your’ day. A day that was specially made for you.
We kept the day the same every year, in hope that the routine would let you know it was your Birthday.
We would send you off to school on the bus – with your huge birthday badge, lights and balloons. Just to ensure that everyone at school made a big fuss of you!
You would wear the fabulous birthday cake hat at school and your friends would sing you a ‘Happy Birthday’ in assembly.
You loved assembly’s, and you most certainly loved being fussed over.
We would collect you from school. I’m sure at this point you would know what was happening next – We would take you to Van Hages and Ice skate for your birthday treat.
You loved Ice Skating. I can picture your face whilst sliding across the ice in your wheelchair, your wide eyes, big beaming smile and flapping arms.
One year Daddy fell whilst pushing you and your wheelchair flipped backwards onto the ice. My heart skipped a beat, worried you were hurt. We picked your chair up and all the while you were laughing so hard you could barely catch your breath – You wanted to do it all over again!
Always the thrill seeker.
We would walk around Van Hages admiring the decadent Christmas decorations and lights. Every year you and your sisters would each chose a decoration for our tree.
We would go home, light your birthday candles and sing you Happy Birthday. You were never able to blow out your candles yourself, but you always displayed great delight in watching your sisters blow them out for you.
Once you were in bed, Daddy and I would reminisce about the day you were born and wonder how on earth you survived.
With each year that passed, we grew prouder of your fight for survival and we felt so incredibly lucky to of celebrated yet another birthday with you.
I treasured your Birthdays like gold dust. Each one more precious than the last.
Last year we went all out for your 10th Birthday.
10 whole years with you.
We considered you reaching 10 the most amazing achievement!
We threw you a massive party – a UV disco. You loved ultra violet lights! So many people came to celebrate with you.
My only regret was that you were poorly. Your colon had failed by that point and you were in so much pain. I wish so much for you to of enjoyed your very last Birthday with us.
Today, I will make you a birthday cake and your sisters will blow out your candles.
Today, I will blow up your balloons, we will write you messages and send them to the sky for you.
Tonight, we will go Ice Skating for you, like we always did on your Birthday.
When Daddy falls over we know you will be laughing with us.
Today, like every other day since you died, I will think of you and wonder where you are. Wonder whether or not you are happy and pain free now. Able to celebrate your special day.