One More Minute.

Since you died I’ve looked for you – looked for signs that your near by.

Are you watching us?

Do remember all the happy times we had together?

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Lift selfie, Summer 2015.

In the days after you died the smoke alarms in our house kept alarming at appropriate moments. Ironic really, I hate the smoke alarm – it’s so loud and controlling.

You could always hear it and you would burst into giggles whenever you heard it.

We would arrive home from Keech to the ear piercing ringing of the alarm. I’m sure the whole village can hear it.

In the silence of the night they would cause a disturbance – you never did like the quiet.

The most profound time was when the shrieking began just seconds after returning home from your funeral. Isla was crying – she wanted you back. Cue the smoke alarm. I said it was you, communicating to her that you haven’t left us. You’ll always be with us, in our hearts.

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Lennon and Isla – He was besotted with her.

I look for white feathers and butterflies.

We have a white butterfly lingering outside the front of our house. It flies around the window, watching us, trying to get inside. I sit patiently watching it negotiate its way around the shrubbery.

When we were in Majorca, my mum found it fluttering behind the front window curtain.

I talk to you – not out loud, in my head.

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Passing time on the ward at Great Ormond St.

If I could have one more minute with you I would tell you that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.

I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you.

I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.

I would tell you how much we all miss you, how empty it feels at home, how painfully quiet and lonely it is without you. How much it hurts me that your gone. I would tell you how we talk about you all time, you are always on our minds.

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Summer 2016. Our last family holiday.

Nothing is the same anymore, everything has changed.

I would tell you how I have my life back now, but I’d rather have you back. I’d swap in a heartbeat.

I would ask you to smile so that I could imprint your face onto the front of my mind forever.

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Excited for school!

But most of all, I would hold on to you tightly, squeezing your little body against mine. I would place my cheek against yours just to feel your warmth on my face.

If I had you back for just one minute, it would not be enough – I would want an hour, a day, a week with you.

I would want you to stay with me forever.

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Lennon and Mummy x

I’ll carry on looking for you, looking for signs that you are near by.

Previous blog post – Hospice Care Week – Changing perceptions.

22 thoughts on “One More Minute.

  1. Nikki please don’t say sorry you’ve been the best mummy ever. You couldn’t had done anymore for him.
    He’s with you all the time in your heart , watching over you and still
    Causing chaos in your house like you said with the fire alarm.
    Sending you huge hugs hon love to you all xxxx

    Like

  2. Oh honey, I’m drawn to you , you are the future me. My heart breaks for you and for me to be honest.
    I want you to hear me – you’ve nothing to be sorry for.
    I will etch those words into my head for when I need to hear them too.
    We , those parents who have kiddies like Lennon do our best all the time. We know heartbreak like no other .
    I’m thinking of you and hoping that I can be as strong as you, when I need to be x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. However well you write and make me shed a tear, I can’t imagine.

    I do know, Lennons path was never your choice or doing. But you travelled with him every step of the way. Your wonderful photo’s are proof that you were there for him. They are full of love to treasure and carry you all forward. He’ll never leave your minds eye or hearts. Or ours.
    Thank you for reminding me again how precious our time is. πŸ•Š

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what your family are going through. Keep looking for those signs, keep talking to him, because he’s right there with you
    Debbie

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Nikki, you, Ian and the girls are the reason that Lennon defied the odds and lived such a wonderful life. Every decision you made was agonisingly considered and always in his best interests. He couldn’t have been born into a more wonderful family. Love you, let me know when I should drop off the stone x

    Liked by 1 person

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