Since you died I’ve looked for you – looked for signs that your near by.
Are you watching us?
Do remember all the happy times we had together?
In the days after you died the smoke alarms in our house kept alarming at appropriate moments. Ironic really, I hate the smoke alarm – it’s so loud and controlling.
You could always hear it and you would burst into giggles whenever you heard it.
We would arrive home from Keech to the ear piercing ringing of the alarm. I’m sure the whole village can hear it.
In the silence of the night they would cause a disturbance – you never did like the quiet.
The most profound time was when the shrieking began just seconds after returning home from your funeral. Isla was crying – she wanted you back. Cue the smoke alarm. I said it was you, communicating to her that you haven’t left us. You’ll always be with us, in our hearts.
I look for white feathers and butterflies.
We have a white butterfly lingering outside the front of our house. It flies around the window, watching us, trying to get inside. I sit patiently watching it negotiate its way around the shrubbery.
When we were in Majorca, my mum found it fluttering behind the front window curtain.
I talk to you – not out loud, in my head.
If I could have one more minute with you I would tell you that I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you.
I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.
I would tell you how much we all miss you, how empty it feels at home, how painfully quiet and lonely it is without you. How much it hurts me that your gone. I would tell you how we talk about you all time, you are always on our minds.
Nothing is the same anymore, everything has changed.
I would tell you how I have my life back now, but I’d rather have you back. I’d swap in a heartbeat.
I would ask you to smile so that I could imprint your face onto the front of my mind forever.
But most of all, I would hold on to you tightly, squeezing your little body against mine. I would place my cheek against yours just to feel your warmth on my face.
If I had you back for just one minute, it would not be enough – I would want an hour, a day, a week with you.
I would want you to stay with me forever.
I’ll carry on looking for you, looking for signs that you are near by.
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