Since you died I’ve looked for you – looked for signs that your near by.
Are you watching us?
Do remember all the happy times we had together?

In the days after you died the smoke alarms in our house kept alarming at appropriate moments. Ironic really, I hate the smoke alarm – it’s so loud and controlling.
You could always hear it and you would burst into giggles whenever you heard it.
We would arrive home from Keech to the ear piercing ringing of the alarm. I’m sure the whole village can hear it.
In the silence of the night they would cause a disturbance – you never did like the quiet.
The most profound time was when the shrieking began just seconds after returning home from your funeral. Isla was crying – she wanted you back. Cue the smoke alarm. I said it was you, communicating to her that you haven’t left us. You’ll always be with us, in our hearts.

I look for white feathers and butterflies.
We have a white butterfly lingering outside the front of our house. It flies around the window, watching us, trying to get inside. I sit patiently watching it negotiate its way around the shrubbery.
When we were in Majorca, my mum found it fluttering behind the front window curtain.
I talk to you – not out loud, in my head.

If I could have one more minute with you I would tell you that I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.
I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you.
I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.
I would tell you how much we all miss you, how empty it feels at home, how painfully quiet and lonely it is without you. How much it hurts me that your gone. I would tell you how we talk about you all time, you are always on our minds.

Nothing is the same anymore, everything has changed.
I would tell you how I have my life back now, but I’d rather have you back. I’d swap in a heartbeat.
I would ask you to smile so that I could imprint your face onto the front of my mind forever.

But most of all, I would hold on to you tightly, squeezing your little body against mine. I would place my cheek against yours just to feel your warmth on my face.
If I had you back for just one minute, it would not be enough – I would want an hour, a day, a week with you.
I would want you to stay with me forever.

I’ll carry on looking for you, looking for signs that you are near by.
Previous blog post – Hospice Care Week – Changing perceptions.
Nikki please don’t say sorry you’ve been the best mummy ever. You couldn’t had done anymore for him.
He’s with you all the time in your heart , watching over you and still
Causing chaos in your house like you said with the fire alarm.
Sending you huge hugs hon love to you all xxxx
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Oh honey, I’m drawn to you , you are the future me. My heart breaks for you and for me to be honest.
I want you to hear me – you’ve nothing to be sorry for.
I will etch those words into my head for when I need to hear them too.
We , those parents who have kiddies like Lennon do our best all the time. We know heartbreak like no other .
I’m thinking of you and hoping that I can be as strong as you, when I need to be x
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I was once you, I knew what was coming and posts like mine would bring it crashing home. Thinking of you ❤️ x
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Thanks Nikki , we are most definitely on the same book but different chapters xxx
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However well you write and make me shed a tear, I can’t imagine.
I do know, Lennons path was never your choice or doing. But you travelled with him every step of the way. Your wonderful photo’s are proof that you were there for him. They are full of love to treasure and carry you all forward. He’ll never leave your minds eye or hearts. Or ours.
Thank you for reminding me again how precious our time is. 🕊
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Thanks Lisa x
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I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful and moving tribute to your lovely boy xxx
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Thank you x
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This is so beautiful. I’m sorry for your loss x
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Thank you x
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your words are so true. 1 more minute would never be enough xx
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Thank you x
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what your family are going through. Keep looking for those signs, keep talking to him, because he’s right there with you
Debbie
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Thank you 🙂
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You’ve made me cry. I never cry, I’m cold and heartless! Just the fact you feel these things makes you an awesome mummy!
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Sorry for making you cry! 🙈
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Wow, I don’t have any helpful words, but thank you for sharing your beautiful boy and showing us how powerful a mothers love is xxx
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❤️
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Oh Nikki, you, Ian and the girls are the reason that Lennon defied the odds and lived such a wonderful life. Every decision you made was agonisingly considered and always in his best interests. He couldn’t have been born into a more wonderful family. Love you, let me know when I should drop off the stone x
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❤️
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I have read every word and astounded by the courage to write such a piece. Sending you much love x
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Thank you 🌈🦋
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